A contradiction

On any given night out under the stars I will feel:

Exhausted and exhilarated
Fear and peace
Expansive and small
Quiet and loud

The biggest contrast for me is being in a fearful state vs a peaceful one.
And every single night, without fail, includes both.

When do I feel that fear creep in? On the hike in during full dark.

I get it, when I’m hiking in I’m using a bright headlamp which keeps me sure footed AND blinds me to everything else around me. It allows my imagination to tell me that there is a coyote following along closely behind me (Wile, you there?!)
In addition, I feel loud and burdened down. I’m generally moving at a good clip with my destination in mind as opposed to a hike where I’m out for the hike’s sake, and I’m carrying a lot of gear - at least one camera bag, maybe two, and a tripod bag. I think an appropriate comparison would be to a clumsy elephant.

All of this adds to a feeling of disconnection, as though I’m apart from the landscape that I’m in. The clumsy elephant barreling through.

But when I get to where I’m going?

Everything changes. Once at my shooting location my light is off and my gear is set down. My eyes adjust to the darkness and I start to see everything I missed while I was blinded by my light. When I take off my gear I not only feel literally lighter, but metaphorically too. It’s as though I’m staking my resting spot for the next while and now finally I can connect.

And there, under the stars, in the pitch black, middle of nowhere, I feel peace.

Now, I know this isn’t the same for everyone. And it doesn’t have to always be my reality, this interplay of fear/peace.

It’s easily fixed by giving myself more time, time to hike in at leisure with thoughtfulness or arriving before it’s full dark.
But that time is a tall order with two small kids at home and schedules that are not flexible.

So for now I feel grateful for the whole experience and the contrast that makes the peace feel even more profound.